Barry,

You Bastard! You won again! How did you do it this time?

All I needed was for AC Milan, the Italian million-dollar superstars to beat a bunch of buck-tooth nobodies from the backwaters of the English midlands. Where did it all go wrong? Italians have no heart. Liverpool proved that you can reach the absolute pinnacles of professional sports on little more than HEART. I don't care how much money you're making, you've got to WANT it, god-damn it. And play like you actually care whether you win or not. Juve, Chelsea, and Milan found that out the hard way. Serginho, Pirlo, and Shevchenco all missed penalties...pathetic. And since when is the goalie allowed to stand about a meter off his line? Did you see that? Dudec wasn't even close to being on his line for that Pirlo shot. And what's with all the dance moves? Is he allowed to do that?

I thought I had finally done it. It was 3-0 Milan at half time and the Liverpool mid-field were playing like they had never heard of "man-marking" and in fact had been introduced to the game of "soccer" just last night. I was like, FINALLY! The sweet, sweet flavour of a case of Schooner Beer (not available in Ontario) will soon be mine! I was watching at school and I was like, "This game's over", so I left at half time. By the time I got home, and turned on the TV, it was 3-3!!! What the fuck??? I was like, "There is NO way that the Liverpool team that I watched play in the first half came out and scored 3 goals. They played like a lost heard of brain-dead mountain goats, randomly running and jumping, with no discernible pattern or purpose." It was pathetic...and the Liverpool fans in Istanbul were crying at half time in the stands. Pathetic losers...they should have known that that case of beer was destined to be mine!

But we all know what happened next. At least some of us know, others are forced to speculate. In honour of the Great Italian Tradition of blaming others (referees, officials, opponents...God) when they lose, I have a theory. The greater the loss, the more fantastic the story has to be. And there is no greater stage than the Champions League Final, especially when a cold, delicious case of New Brunswick beer is on the line. The Italians knew this, but they still played the second half like a bunch of spoiled school-girls, sulking because they were forced to exercise.

So this is my theory: As we all know, the War in Iraq is getting VERY expensive. Every day the American debt quadruples because of the extremely expensive nature of killing shit-loads of people. Basically, GWB phoned up the Pentagon and informed them that from now on, if they wanted to keep killing people (which they did), they would have to "fund raise" their own budget, using "alternative methods"...wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more, say no more. Of course, the illegal harvesting and world-wide sale of dangerous drugs was a popular suggestion amongst the Pentagon Top Brass, but unfortunately, the CIA had that market completely cornered. Even the Pentagon knew not to fuck with the CIA. "Those bastards are crazy." was the common consensus. No, something New & Original would be needed. A fresh idea. That's when a cagey young intern came up with something brilliant.

"We'll gamble to generate revenue!"
The Brass weren't too sure about this at first.
"Isn't that a bit risky?"
"Who let this guy in here?"
"We'll cheat, naturally." The intern assured them.

Then it was settled. Next stop, Atlantic City. Tax dollars at work. But what to bet on? That is to say, how could they cheat? What could they rig? Of course, betting on pro-sports is very popular, even at the heart of the most powerful and reckless military killing machine in human history. "If we rig an NFL game, they'll know it was us." Was the common consensus. One of the generals recalled that on one of his tours of Vietnam, he had shot a bunch of kids playing a game they called "football". Upon further research, his suspicions were confirmed. Football was a sport, popular the world over, and quite suitable for gambling on.

So, using the slave labour of kidnapped South American scientists working around the clock in underground multi-billion dollar state-of-the-art facilities, new and patriotic ways to cheat while gambling on pro-sports were developed. At half time of the Champions League Final in Istanbul, Turkey, underground agents, working on behalf of the US Pentagon, forced South American scientists to preform horrible experiments on the AC Milan starting 11 at gun point. The brain material of the AC Milan players were exchanged for that of mountain goats. Pentagon Brass waited nervously back in Atlantic City. Billions of American Tax Dollars were on the line, having been strategically and patriotically placed on a Liverpool second half come-back. One Pentagon official said he was so nervous he couldn't rightly enjoy his lap-dance, or his $2000 (usd) per night suite, or the 3 kg of pure Colombian grown cocaine generously donated for the weekend by the CIA in an unprecedented display of megalomaniac agency intergovernmental camaraderie.

But it worked! The scientists were successful! Atlantic City paid out BIG, and the War in Iraq was saved from going bankrupt. The Pentagon intern and the scientists were collaterally damaged and dumped into the Hudson River. Everyone went home happy!

Except for the Iraqi people of course, thanks to a late-game Liverpool comeback... they were dead.

MDP