OK,
I'm writing this email from the new campus of the Canadian Memorial Chiropractic College...an institution that takes the best and brightest from all over the country and over the course of 4 years turns them all into a crooked pack of con-artists and half-mad, pseudo-religious Voodoo Doctors....doomed to wander the country babbling about "subluxations" and "death before Asprin"...but anyway, thats another story for another day.

I just got back into town yesterday morning from a vicious whirlwind 72 hour bus trip/political freak-out/vacation to Manhattan Island, NYC and I was only beginning to come to grips with the twisted realities of that trip when my peaceful sanctuary of any apartment in trendy midtown Toronto was horribly shattered. The phone rang...reluctantly I picked it up...Big Mistake. On the other end of the phone was horribleness I wasen't ready to deal with in my weakened condition: turns out two Alberta Provincial Prison escapee's had somehow gotten my number and wanted me to participate in some vicious and atavistic plan to bring a new meaning of FEAR and LOATHING upon the innocent and unsuspecting people of Fredericton, NB. They were both clearly high on coke (amongst other things) at the time of that fatefully phone call, and when I asked what they had been in prison for I heard one of them mumble something about putting those damn "red-niggers" back in their place. "Jesus!" I thought, "how did this kind of scum from a place as horrible as Alberta get MY number...or even learn how to USE a phone, for that matter??" At that point I realized that there was No Hope. I was doomed. I knew these swine would not let me LIVE, let alone get off the phone until I agreed to participate in their evil plan to round up some of the most backward scum this country has ever seen, feed them ALL copious amounts of alcohol and dangerous drugs, and then unleash these freaks upon The Peaceful & The Innocent. "Fuck It." I said. "I'm IN!" Why not? In about two weeks time I'll be ready for some serious Sex, Drugs & RocknRoll...and those twisted drug freaks from Alberta called me for Good Reason...I'm exactly the kind of drug-addled criminal they are going to NEED if they plan on doing this thing RIGHT...and believe me, now that I'M on board, this thing WILL be done right! So if you are reading this email, it is for one of TWO reasons, or both:

1. YOU are a strange and horrible drug freak as well as a Known Criminal and the mere thought of you sends most Decent People into a fit of Hate & Panic.

OR

2. YOU will be in the small peaceful town of Fredericton NB on the week of Sept.15-19 to participate in a criminal adventure/party that the Hells Angels would be proud of and which is so degenerate in nature, so totally and utterly horrible in every way and I can only hint at its TRUE meaning...for now. Meet me in NB for more details...I'll be the "urban hippie" at The Bar drinking with two coke fiends, visibly from Alberta.

Your Friend & Accomplice,
Max "The Animal" Pollack

... TO BE CONTINUED...

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