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2009-06-23:
$website_update = true;
function give_credit (string $creditor, int $credit_type, string $link_style) {
// This function outputs a form letter to anyone that sends me some sort of link, saving me having to type over and over.
switch $link_style
case: "cute stuff"
$line = "I know how you love cute stuff.";
case: "injuries"
$line = "omg, youtube is a neverending source of fat kids getting hurt videos.";
case: "swaat"
$line = "G-damn that was sick, dogg.";
case else:
$line = "Yeah, no. I agree. Unicycles are really awesome. Yes. A unicycle race would be 'Hella sick'.";
end Switch
echo $credit_type." to ".$creditor." for the video! ".$line;
$return
}
if ( ($website_update == true & ( $time_since_last_update > '1 week') ) {
$mood = "apologetic"
$intro = write_introduction ($mood)
$clever_text = "How many people do you think are going to realize this isn't an error message, but in fact the contents of a carefully crafted update, designed"
$clever_text.= " to entertain those with at least a rudimentary knowledge of coding?"
intro.insert_comment ($clever_text)
If ($reader_got_this_far == true) {
$reader_skills = "mad";
echo "damn reader, you have got some ".$reader_skills." skills! I am impressed.";
echo "In exchange for your ".$reader_skills." skills, I really wish I had something funny to relate to you. I don't think I do though.";
$string = "This is probably an easier way of writing output. Echo is quite annoying. Speaking of annoying, I think I'm
$string.= " going to learn to ride a bus, and become a bus driver. Not because I have much (I do have some) interest in";
$string.= " actually being a bus driver, but because I want to know: is it really that hard to drive smoothly, without hammering
$string.= " the break and gas pedal constantly? It's like a 16 year old driving stick for the first time, all giving me whiplash
$string.= " every time a butterfly flaps it's gross, dusty wings. Is it only because bus drivers make canadian tire money for salary that
$string.= " they can't be asked to learn to drive properly? Or is it in fact nearly impossible to drive a bus smoothly, due to
$string.= " some strange dynamic effect of the engines and the weight or length or something? Anyway, I'm going to become
$string.= " a bus driver just to find out, so that I can then berate these (presumably) unskilled idiots while proudly sporting the
$string.= " knowledge of actually being right, instead of just assuming I am, like I usually do."
echo $string;
call sub too_much_time_on_my_hands (show_pictures)
} else { // That is to say, if they didn't quite make it this far...
$no_point_writing_more = true;
$error = "Wish I had more clever friends? Perhaps don’t test them so much? Why be so demanding, Mitch?";
// Perhaps I should simply show them funny youtube clips, since obviously the writing here
// is being wasted?
show_clip ("http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zmRTGRbrATs&feature=related")
$credit_type = props;
$link_style = "cute stuff";
give_credit ("Tim Coleman", $credit_type, $link_style);
}
}
sub too_much_time_on_my_hands (entertain_type) {
if (entertain_type == "show_pictures") {
show_picture(Carnivore.jpg");
show_picture(Giant_squirrel.jpg");
show_picture(Free_cat.jpg");
}
if (entertain_type == "facebook_recommended_friends") {
show_picture("darth_friend.png");
$credit_type = props;
$link_style = "Facebook recommendations: You and darth vader both attended Manly High School";
give_credit ("Donuts and Yoyos", $credit_type, $link_style);
}
}
Tim, 2009-06-24, 10:27:10
Best website update ever!
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